7 quick takes: my premiere edition

You may have noticed that I don't have a blog roll on my sidebar.

I decided not to add one because I'm 1) a slacker; 2) I'd feel bad if I hurt someone's feelings by leaving them out and 3) I'd feel obligated to visit listed blogs all the time and I'm bad at that.

Of course I do have my favorites. Every so often I come across a blog that is so smart, funny, spiritual and/or insightful that I swear I must've started another blog in my sleep and forgotten about it.

Those of you who are better at scouting out the gems probably met Jen at Conversion Diary long ago, but I just got around to sniffing around her site recently. Her blog has all the qualities listed above, and more.

Fridays she hosts "Seven Quick Takes." I'm often tempted to pick these ideas up, and when I do I'm inconsistent. But I've decided to give it a go, mostly because I'm jealous of Jen and want to be more like her. (That and the fact that I've committed to more writing are my motivators!)

So here is my first edition (it might be the last, I'm not making any promises, so don't get excited.)

--1--
I've come up with a "theme" for Lent: "Speak, Lord, your servant is listening." I realize that my relationship with Jesus is not all that different from my other relationships: I do most of the talking. I'm attempting to spend some quiet time every day just being. I trust that He knows what He's doing, and He'll fill me in as needed.

--2--
I can't believe my first grandchild will be here in only a couple months! When I noticed the number on the widget had dropped to the 60s, I started to get really excited.

I admit I'm feeling some of that "how will I ever love this baby as much" that moms feel when they are expecting their second child. Remember that? Of course we always love them with all our hearts, because as I tell my children, the hearts of mothers grow every time a new child comes along. (The pie doesn't get cut into smaller slices, the pie gets bigger!)

Experienced grandmothers keep telling me I will go absolutely wild for my grandbabies, and that I will love them so much I won't be able to stand it. I'm sure that's the case, but I still feel they're not going to be as amazing as MY babies.

But like my mom has told me, these ARE my babies, in a very real sense.

I'm sure I'll figure that out when I see the little cuties. In the meantime, an important question to consider: what will they call me?

Grandma, Nana, Memaw, Grandmother? All we've come up with that feels right is Grandma Hottie. Your thoughts?

--3--
Sophie is the cutest thing ever. Yesterday it was springlike enough outside for me to take her for her first Long Walk. She did great, staying right by my side. I was unprepared when she pooped on someone's sidewalk (I'm so sorry, neighbor!) but other than that it went well.

She is still not housebroken, which is her only real flaw. I know, that's MY failing, not hers. I'm going to buckle down and really work with her soon to get her going outside in the proper spot ALL THE TIME.



--4--
My kids are doing really well in school. John and Luke are getting good grades, and more importantly, excellent marks in their behavior. Joey has also really taken to high school living. He's decided to take band next year, because if this family needs anything, it's a trumpet player.

AJ is taking classes at the local community college. I'm officially done with our homeschool days, but I still spend time with him talking about his photoshop class, setting goals for his future (culinary arts, perhaps?) and watching inappropriate videos on youtube. It's all good.

Lauren is preparing to graduate, with honors, from nursing school in May. I'm incredibly proud of her. It looks like she'll be continuing her job at Children's Hospital on the rehab/burn unit after she gets the RN after her name.

Rachel's a student in the school of life now, scoring at the top of her class. There might be a prenatal class in the next few weeks as well, although she's informed me that she really already knows all there is to know. That's my girl.

--5--

The Big Man and I have been discussing the possibility of me getting a "real" job. I'm alternately terrified and excited by the idea.

--6--

I've set up an interview Monday with a Real Live TV Star. I'm more than a little nervous, because he is a Real Live TV Star, one that I used to watch on my favorite soap opera (as Meg Ryan's love interest) when I was in high school. He is tall and good looking and he lives in Hollywood, and did I mention he is a Real Live TV Star? He is also a committed Christian who is using his acting ability to present the Gospel to his audiences. Pretty cool, huh? Visit his site: frankrunyeon.com. And pray that I don't get all goofy when I talk with him next week.

--7--

I've decided I cannot ever watch "Baby Story" on TLC again. I used to watch it when I was pregnant, and I'd ball my eyes out when the babies were born. When I wasn't pregnant I'd think it was somewhat inappropriate to be a witness to such a highly personal moment in a woman's life.

Now, I'm a pre-menopausal woman who isn't pregnant, and watching it makes me cry AND wonder what in the world these women are thinking. And it makes me mourn my Baby Girl, and wonder at the fact that I survived losing her.

She's on my mind a lot these days. I miss her.

This is one of my favorite photographs: it reminds me of her.

remembering

I lit a candle tonight, in honor of my baby girl Celeste.

It's Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day according to this site which was forwarded to me.

Of course, for those of us who have lost a little one, every day is a day to remember. Chances are, someone you know has suffered a miscarriage or lost an infant or child.

Give her a hug, and let her know her precious child will never be forgotten.

(Artwork courtesy of Kevin Roeckl.)

a gift from me to you

It's October, which means it's time to drink cider, display gourds, stock up on candy and press leaves between sheets of waxed paper.

It's also time around these parts to pray the rosary, and to celebrate Respect Life month.

In honor of the first, I invite you to participate in this month's Mary Moments Carnival. Visit Sarah to get all the particulars. Let everyone know how the rosary has blessed your life by contributing something by Oct. 10.

In honor of the latter, I'm offering a gift to readers of this blog: free shipping on autographed copies of my book, Broken and Blessed: A Life Story.

Many of you know Celeste's story. My youngest daughter (my seventh child) was born in March of 2005 with a serious heart defect, one so severe that she needed a heart transplant. Unfortunately, my little girl never came home from the hospital, dying in our arms at the age of four months.

Broken and Blessed is her story, and mine, and more than anything, it's a prolife story. Celeste reminded me that all lives are precious. Her life was brief, but it was powerful! She "got the job done" in such a short time, touching so many lives with her ministry of presense.

She reminded us that each tiny baby (preborn or born, "perfect" or not), is an unrepeatable miracle. She reminded us that each life must be protected until natural death. Through her we learned firsthand the beauty of our Church's teachings on the value, sanctity and profundity of the great gift of life.

One of the best lessons I learned from Celeste was that my life, too, is valuable. I have been given gifts that I must share. Life is truly a wonderful adventure, and meeting Celeste reminded me of that!

Here's what some readers had to say:

"By sharing her journey of faith through the heartbreaking loss of her daughter, Cathy reveals the heart of God: he brings joy in the midst of sorrow, peace in the center of trial, and love in the depth of loss. She shares the richness of the purpose of each life, which is part of the legacy her daughter leaves us all. Highly recommended." Kimberly Hahn, author of Chosen and Cherished: Biblical Wisdom for Your Marriage

"Because your story is at once intimately personal, yet universal, I believe that your audience is a broad one - Catholic, Protestant, Jew, Muslim, even non-religious. It has much to teach about not just suffering and death, but the meaning of life." Dr. Mark Latkovic, Professor of Moral Theology, Sacred Heart Major Seminary, Detroit

"Honestly, I'm speechless. This book doesn't have a specific market, because everybody is in the market. Everybody needs to read this book. I want my prayer group to read it. I want my husband to read it. I want my friends to read it. I want my daughter to read it. This is the first time I've actually seen a way to get through to her so that she will view her 'ordeal' as a blessing." Patti Monroe-Mohrenweiser, artist and parent of a heart surgery survivor

"Words fail me and I find I am not able to adequately express the impact your experience and your beautiful words had and continue to have on me. Suffice it to say - this is a powerful and beautiful message and I am to think of the many, many people who will be able to share in this experience and this astounding journey by reading your book." Joanne Dupuis, RN, coordinator of the Cardiac Transplant program of Children's Hospital of Michigan

Many, many lives have been blessed by Celeste. Will yours be next?

To order Broken and Blessed (at 12.99 with FREE SHIPPING) simply send me an email at brokenandblessed@gmail.com and mention my blog.

coming soon to a bookstore near you!

Many of you probably have at least one of the Amazing Grace books on your shelf. They're a bit like the wildly popular Chicken Soup for the Soul series, but with a Catholic twist.

I'm so happy to announce that the latest in this awesome series from Ascension Press, Amazing Grace for Survivors, includes our experience with loving and letting go our little girl Celeste.

Visit Ascension Press today to preorder your copy!

WKRP in Cincinnati

Les Nessman fans unite!

That was a fun show. It really has nothing to do with this post, other than the fact that I'll be doing a radio interview with a host of a show in Cincinnati tomorrow morning.

If you live in that area you can tune into Sacred Heart Radio (740 AM) to hear me chat with Brian Patrick on the Son Rise morning show. I'll be on at about 6:50 in the morn.

Actually anybody who's up and at 'em at that early hour can listen live at Sacred Heart Radio's site. Whether you listen or not, please send up a prayer for me as I share about Broken and Blessed and Celeste's message. (Remember? Every one of us is on a "mission from God.")

happy feast day, Baby Girl

It is indeed a special week for our family. Today we celebrate the Feast Day of our youngest daughter, my precious Celeste Marie.

Three years ago today, the doors of Heaven swung open wide to receive her perfect little soul. That day was honestly one of the most wondrous days of my life. I felt I got a glimpse of that Heaven, her eternal home. I know she's there now praying for me, helping me to get there one day, too.

I have mentioned her several times here, but I haven't told too much of her story. Hers is by any standard a very sad one. The short version is this: she was born with a heart defect, one so severe that she needed a heart transplant. She never received that transplant, and somehow developed serious brain damage as well. Since she was then no longer eligible for a transplant, we removed her life-support and allowed her to die peacefully at the age of four months.

There is so much more to the long version, of course. So much in fact that I felt called to tell her story in a book, which I did in Broken and Blessed: A Life Story. In the book I explore the details of her life, her sufferings, and my own.

In the book I reveal a part of my heart, a part laid bare on days like today. My little girl suffered so much and was taken from me so quickly. Will there ever be an adequate answer when my soul cries out? Why? Why my baby?

I've tried to answer this question many times, and others always want to know the how as well. How did you do it? they ask. How did you suffer through such a traumatic experience and emerge with your faith intact, with a sense of joy?

The answer, my friends, is a person, the person I love even more than I loved Celeste. The answer is Jesus.

I don't like to over-spirtualize things, but the answer here is clear. I could not have survived without Jesus. He used the experience of my daughter's life and death to draw me into His Heart in a way that nothing else could. In some mysterious, mystical way, Jesus used Celeste and her sufferings to invite me into His Life. I am convinced that her life was part of His Plan, and that He willed for me (and for many others) to grow in our relationship with Him because of Celeste.

Like all authors, I want my book to be read. But I am especially passionate about this book because I feel with all my heart that Jesus wants to use her story to draw lots of folks to Him.

I know she did not suffer in vain. I know that three years ago today, as I rocked her and promised her I'd write that book, I was doing God's will. I know today as I remember her with joy and love, not bitterness, I am continuing to live out her legacy. I am happy to be able to share her with others, to remind them of the beauty of her message. Each of us has a unique mission given to us by God. All lives have purpose and meaning!

A wise friend who also lost a young child told me once that my pain would never diminish, that I would always feel it strongly -- but that I would simply feel it less often. I've found this to be true. Of course I am feeling that pain today, as I go to that place in my heart reserved for Celeste. But I am also feeling a profound sense of peace and wonder as I remember the glimpse of Heaven I was able to witness. And hoping that when the door to Heaven closed, Baby Girl was able to prop it open for me, just wide enough for me to sneak in.

You can see the video I prepared for Celeste's last birthday here.

Thank you for your prayers.

memorials

Yesterday I did something no parent should ever have to do.

I ordered a tombstone for my daughter's grave.

Strangely, it wasn't the hardest thing I did yesterday. It was harder to stand at my eldest brother's grave, the brother who was stillborn. I cried because his was the only grave without a name: just "Baby Boy" and our last name. My parents hadn't named him, and it seemed so sad. When I pray to him I just call him "Brother."

Harder still was that moment at the park when that little girl ran up to me.

She was wearing pink shoes. Pink shoes with hearts.

everyday faith

I recently had the honor of doing a radio interview with Shari Guilfoile on her program "Everyday Faith." It airs tomorrow at 8:00 AM and 2:30 PM on 1090 AM, WCAR in Detroit. You can listen then (on air or online at catholicradio.org) or at her website, everydayfaith.net. Just click here.

It is always so exciting to share Celeste's story, and to remind people of her message: God has created each of us with a unique purpose. We have a mission! We have a responsiblity to use our gifts and talents.

Ask yourself this question right now. What is God asking of me? How does He want me to use my abilities to bring His Kingdom to others?

Celeste lived for four months, and God used her to accomplish amazing things. Come on, I know YOU have lived longer than that! What does he want to do with YOUR life?

Isn't that exciting to think about?

and now for a word from our sponsor

I've had the honor of being interviewed by some of the best folks in Catholic radio, including Teresa Tomeo and Al Kresta. Most recently I shared Celeste's story with Judy Zarick of American Catholic Radio in Cincinnati. I'm not sure which Catholic stations air this syndicated program, but you can hear the segment by selecting program #08-14 when you get to this page of their site. (It is also running on the air through April 6.)

Our conversation is featured in the "Living Faith" segment (about five minutes into this show.) I'm quite pleased with the program, despite the fact that I had a bad cold on the day we spoke and I don't quite sound my usual amazing self!

Please let me know if you are able to access the show. Thanks!

thanks for remembering

A special thank you to the many who sent emails and comments regarding my daughter's birthday on the 14th. I continue to be comforted whenever I am reassured that Celeste's life was meaningful, and that her memory is being treasured.

I am frequently contacted by people who love someone who has lost a child. Often they will ask me to send a copy of my book, and sometimes they will request prayers. Every time they want to know what they can do to comfort someone who is grieving the loss of a little one. I always tell them this: Assure them that their child will never be forgotten!

When you lose a child, you lose more than a person. You lose a future, a dream. You lose all those things that will not be. When the child is very young, as my daughter was, or perhaps is not even born yet, the loss is devastating. We have lost someone we have only begun to love, and we don't have all the memories we feel we deserved to have.

If you know someone who has lost a child, even many years ago, will you reach out and let them know their child was important? Some do not wish to discuss their loss, and I respect that, but I'm certain I'm not alone here. We don't ever want our babies to be forgotten.

One of the most beautiful gifts I ever received was an anonymous card that arrived in the mail one day. It came many months after my daughter's death. Featuring an image of a heart and a butterfly (symbols that spoke very specifically of Celeste!) it contained this message: "Until we can be together again, remember...my heart is waiting right here for you." It felt like a lifeline to heaven, and I treasure it.

I received an order on my website this morning from an administrator of a grief support group for those who have lost young children. There are great resourses available at their site! If you know someone who is hurting, you may want to share this info.

And share a moment with someone who has suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth, or loss of a baby or child of any age. Thank you for your love and prayers!

Celeste's Video

Thanks to the tech-savvy young people in my life (I love you Lauren, Rachel, AJ and Giovanni!) I was able to add the video to youtube. Here it is.
(See the previous post for more info.)

happy birthday, baby girl

She would have been three today.

I prepared a video including photos of Celeste with some of the people who loved her most. (I'm a little disappointed that the video's not "perfect", but even though I considered reworking it this morning, I decided to leave it as it is. Things (and people) don't have to be perfect to be meaningful and loved.)

Sadly, when I tried to add it here I discovered it is too large! I'd be happy to email it to anyone who is interested in viewing it. In the mean time, here are some photos.






I would love to hear from some of my "prayer warriors" or those who have read her story. It's ok to ask for a little extra encouragement today, right?

Again, you can visit my website to learn more about my daughter's beautiful mission.

Happy Birthday, Celeste Marie! I can't wait until we can celebrate together!

a book review

Today I received a lovely gift...this beautiful review of my book on Heidi Hess Saxton's new blog Behold Your Mother.

I feel so humbled by Heidi's kind words. All I can say is, we can do all things through Christ Who strengthens us.

You may visit brokenandblessed.com to learn more about the wonderful baby girl who inspired this story.

and baby makes....four?

This morning I happened to see a segment of a popular morning talk show (hosted by a middle-aged guy and a blonde -- is there any other kind?) I'm not much for TV, especially in the morning, but their conversation drew me in. It seems there have been some interesting developments in the world of genetic science, something even the audiences of mindless talk shows need to know about. It is now possible to create a designer baby, one with all those nasty genes that cause muscular dystrophy and cystic fibrosis and maybe even bad breath conveniently removed. We can even request the color of the perfect little darling's eyes and hair, and instill a love of Beethoven and a dislike for, I don't know, mindless talk shows. How wonderful, right?


At one point the hosts called it a "no-brainer." Everyone wants a world without disease, right? Who would want a child to suffer with imperfection and illness? The smug "infertility doctor" on their panel of experts, charming with a soul patch and expensive haircut, paled when asked if he was playing God. "This is about science, not religion," he announced, obviously annoyed. He spouted lots of nonsense about choice and how all can agree that any "imagined" negative consequences arising from the creation of a baby from the eggs of two women and one man were nothing compared to the positives: people can have the babies they want, when they want them, and perfect babies at that.



The ethicist on board, predictably nerdy and uncomfortable in front of an audience, spoke clearly to the ideas of right and wrong so easily put aside by the doctor making lots of money from the parents of those perfect babes. He had a tough task in front of him. How do I get them to buy the notion that right and wrong even matter? You could see his frustration as he tried to explain foreign concepts like natural law to a group of folks accustomed to hearing that what matters most is what they feel at any given moment.



The child psychologist, placed uncomfortably close to the woman next to her who had "designed" a lovely little girl for herself, brought up a pertinent point. What if those perfect children don't turn out so perfect? How disapointed will those parents be when little Mozart detests music and Picasso doesn't paint? Is it fair to create children with such high expectations? On another note, is it right to deny children the opportunity to know their parents? (In this case, all three of them?)



The conversation ended without resolution, as all conversations of talk shows must. They asked the audience to vote with a show of hands. Does this bother any of you? About half of the hands went up. On to the next segment.



I turned off the TV. I didn't need to ask myself if it bothered me. I was bothered, all right, but mostly by a question that had remained unasked. Do we really want a world inhabited only by the perfect?



I am most definitely not perfect, and neither are you. Last time I checked, there was nary a perfect specimen in sight. If we decide to literally play God and design children in our image, whose image do we choose? Some would say (as the hosts of the program did) that eliminating disease and illness is a no-brainer. But is it?



I have given birth to seven children. In the world's eyes, the first six were in good shape -- "perfect" babies. They were born well and remain in good health. They are not only healthy but attractive, intelligent and talented. (I swear I am being at least somewhat objective.) My seventh child was not so "lucky."



My seventh child, my third daughter, Celeste, was imperfect. She was born with a severely damaged heart, one corrupted and malformed by Ebstein's Anomaly. When she was four months old, we discovered that her brain was now imperfect as well. Dramatically damaged by a series of strokes, it was now so bad that she could not receive the heart transplant she needed. After a life filled with suffering, pain and imperfection, she died in my arms.



If I could have, would I have "re-designed" Celeste, healing her imperfections?



I wanted a healthy, "perfect" baby. I wanted a little girl to love for many years. Like all mothers, I wanted a child that would not experience any of the negatives of our fallen condition.


But if given the chance, I wouldn't change a thing.



God knew what He was doing when He created my daughter, and He did not make a mistake. Her tiny body and her pure soul were knit together by Him with only love. She was imperfect in the eyes of many, but to her Father in Heaven she was perfection: beautiful and worthy, sent to us as a gift.



I would not send back this gift, not for all the "perfect" babies in the world.



In my conversations with other parents of "imperfect" children, I have come to a conclusion, one I doubt they'll reach on a morning talk show any time soon. Children with special needs, those who are not "perfect" in their minds and/or bodies, add to the world's beauty with unimaginable power. They love purely. They teach us. They allow us to love them, training us to serve.



I am thankful such technology was not available to my parents (not that they would use it in a million years.) Maybe they could have saved me from my illnesses, addictions and faults. Maybe they could've given me the blue eyes I've always yearned for. But I would not be the person God wanted walking in my shoes. And that person is good enough for me, even better than I deserved.



People ask me if I'm angry at God for giving me an "imperfect" baby. Are you kidding? I didn't deserve her either. But thank God for His generosity, his patient blessings to His selfish, imperfect children.