from the field of blue children

it really is wonderful

2009-11-11T14:06:00.002-05:00

Our community theater is performing the stage version of the ultimate Christmas classic movie. I'm sure we won't even come close to the original, but I pray we can capture the spirit.

In a "art imitating life" fashion, my husband is playing George, and I've been cast as Mary.

2009-11-06T10:05:00.003-05:00

Feeling the pain of lost relationships, but knowing that there is really only one relationship that matters, trying and failing (again) to do my best and experience "success," today I wrote this.

ashes to ashes, again

2009-11-02T09:36:00.001-05:00

A repost from last year. This year, I'm Mary instead of Maxine. But life is still just as horrible and wonderful - and worth living - as it was then.

Today, on the Feast of All Souls, I stood at my own graveside, but I didn't shed a tear.

I thought about my daughter, who awaits me there, and I remembered her life with awe and gratitude. I missed her with an ache that will never leave my bones, but my heart is not heavy. It soars to meet her.

I looked at the descriptions cast in stone: husband and father, baby girl, wife and mother. The roles that will define us for all eternity.

I suppose it is an excellent practice to ponder the fact that we will all be dust some day. As I stood on the very spot where I hope my grandchildren and their grandchildren will kneel someday, begging mercy on my soul, I realized the truth.

It will all be over in a flash.

From the cemetery we stopped at Starbucks for something hot and chocolately. From there I went to a community theater audition. I was cast in the role of Maxine, who has good hair and make-up and is learning to tap dance.

Life is short, but it's grand. Live it up, and do much good with it.

Eternal peace grant unto them O Lord, and may Perpetual Light shine upon them. May their souls, and all the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.

2009-09-29T10:00:00.003-04:00

Lukie and the F-bomb

2009-09-23T14:30:00.006-04:00

Since I haven't been posting many anecdotes here lately, it seemed appropriate to kick things off with a humdinger.

Lukie is in the second grade at our parish school. He sits in the front row, first seat on the left. He spends his days learning about subtraction, spelling words with silent e, and other mysteries of the universe. He's a good kid, I suppose. At least I haven't heard too many scary stories about him. Until now, that is.

Lukie sits with two other little urchins, we'll call them Butch and Buster. The three of them apparently had quite a scintillating conversation last week, according to Butch's mom, who shared this story with me.

Buster: (in a clear, loud voice) My brother said "F" to me. (Note: he did not exactly say "F.")
Butch: "F"? What's "F"?
Lukie: Yeah, what's "F"?
Buster: I don't know, but he said "F."

(At this point I imagine their teacher rushing toward them, her eyes wide, her hand over her open mouth, aghast. I also imagine this in slow motion, for effect.)

Teacher: WHAT are you boys saying????

At this point a lightbulb appears over Lukie's head, and wisdom and insight are his.

Lukie: "F"...hmm..what is "F"? I know. "F" is a cow.

Huh?

Yep, my son then proceeded to tell the other boys that he was pretty sure that "F" was another word for cow.

Butch's mom and I enjoyed this episode more than we probably should, for two important reasons.

One: Lukie (and her Butch) did not report to the teacher that they heard their older brother/uncle/dad or MOM say that word, EVER. Thank you God.

Two: There is still some innocence left in this world. And some of it is in our particular children.

Thank you God.

my crown of roses: prayers of love

2009-09-18T14:46:00.005-04:00

The goodness of God continues to touch me, daily, in ways both simple and profound.

Today I received an email that reminded me that His ways are so far above ours that we cannot fathom it.

I was reminded yet again that prayers are not just good thoughts, or "positive energy." They are real communication between us and Our Lord. Prayers are bonds that connect us with heaven, and with one another.

Please visit my Australian "cyber-friend" Therese, and read the brief story that stunned me and filled me with joy.

God is so good, and I am so blessed.

wink, wink

2009-09-17T11:25:00.001-04:00

I think she knows something we don't know. :)

My granddaughter, Grace Philomena (Gracie Mena) at almost five months.

Live is good.

welcoming Zeke

2009-08-30T10:35:00.003-04:00

My grandson Zeke is here!

Lauren headed to the hospital on Thursday afternoon for an induction of labor. Saturday morning at 4:59, Ezekiel Jacob Vitale was born; 7lbs, 5 oz, 20 inches long.

As you can imagine, his getting here was quite a journey, to say the least.

Lauren endured a long, painful labor, an epidural, two hours of pushing, and then a c-section when she developed a fever and the baby refused to move down. Turns out he was "sunny-side up," which makes delivery difficult. His heartrate was high, and disappointingly, she really needed that c-section.

We were worried already, but then they took her into surgery, began the procedure, and she began to experience pain. They had to put her completely under. Her poor husband was asked to leave the OR - and Lauren's sister and I waited with him worriedly.

Thank God - all ended well, with the arrival of our beautiful baby boy!

He and his mama are doing well now. I must say I am so incredibly proud of Lauren. She was so courageous and patient - so strong! And my daughter Rachel was such a wonderful coach to her sister. She never left her side, never wavered in her encouragement. Lauren's husband made me proud, too. He certainly loves my little girl.

Being a part of this child's birth was such a precious experience. I've been so incredibly blessed with my family. I can't wait to see the blessings in store for them!

princesses or victims?

2009-08-20T13:36:00.004-04:00

I don't get this:

Aren't children cute enough just as they are?

What is wrong with our society? It's bad enough that adult women and teen girls are made to feel that their looks aren't up to par. Now even children and babies are open game. The site on which I found this "before and after" pic offered all sorts of "enhancement services" for children's photographs. Apparently they are required for some pageants.

Shows like Toddlers in Tiaras make me crazy. Like many people, I sometimes watch them (sometimes I can't peel my eyes away from an accident scene, either.) The parents are just so pathetic to me. I try not to judge them, I really do. But I just don't understand how they convince themselves that they are doing something worthwhile for their children.

Do you think pageants, of any kind, are good for kids? Good clean competition, or reckless objectification?

I share some of my thoughts here, as well.

What do you think?

please send prayers and patience our way

2009-08-06T15:19:00.002-04:00

I'm looking for prayers today, friends.

My mom is currently having surgery for her breast cancer. I was just informed that her lymph nodes are clear, which is excellent news. She is still in surgery, though (has been for about two and a half hours now.)

Mom doesn't do well with doctors, hospitals, or surgeries. In fact, just walking into a medical facility makes her blood pressure go sky high. (Just before surgery it dropped - yes, dropped - to 222/111.)

She also doesn't tolerate medications well AT ALL. We joke that she is sensitive to the world, and it's just too true.

Add to Mom's troubles the fact that she is also anxiety-filled and impatient. It's been a rough day.

I'm holding up well, praise God, but she could use some extra prayers.

I'm trying to cash in on the opportunity to learn a virtue I REALLY lack. (More about that here.)

hot off the presses!

2009-07-29T15:25:00.005-04:00

The first issue of PIME World Magazine edited by yours truly is available now!

I'm pretty excited to share this. When I started as Communications Director and editor of PIME World the first of June, I wasn't quite sure what I was getting myself into.

Now, I've got my first issue under my belt, and it's not too shabby. Thanks to the highly talented staff (most especially the creative director) I was given the tools, info, and encouragement I needed to get the job done.

I feel very blessed to be a part of this organization, which honestly feels more like a family. I wrote recently about how I've felt God placed me here for a reason, and I'm seeing proof of that every day. (One of my co-workers insists God has placed me here to help him find a Catholic wife, which could be the case! Know any young ladies looking for a very eligible bachelor? We'll talk about that later.)

If you'd like to learn more about the PIME Missionaries and the amazing way they are sharing the Gospel and serving the poor in 17 countries, get yourself a FREE one-year subscription here.

And while you're being missionary-minded, check out the blog I'm writing for them. (And please share it - we need to raise mission awareness, now don't we?)

Thanks for your prayers as I continue to explore just what God has in store for me here.

a time to weep and a time to laugh

2009-07-23T18:50:00.004-04:00

Today's the kind of day when I need to come here to the field, lay down, and let the blue blossoms swallow me right up.

Four years ago today Celeste died. I usually do quite well on this anniversary. I don't cry, and I don't get all melodramatic. I comfort my husband and children, and I tell people her life was a blessing and I have no bitterness, only joy.

Today wasn't exactly like that.

I was with "others" today - people outside of the family - something that's not happened on an anniversary yet. I thought I'd be fine, then I knew I wouldn't be. I thought about staying home from work. I'm glad I didn't.

I went to work, and I cried, and I talked and I allowed myself to be comforted. I'm not used to that. I'm used to being the the one who's doing the comforting.

I'm so blessed to have family, friends, and now coworkers who care about me.

Today I remembered Celeste, and I remembered her suffering, as well as the great blessing of her life. Life is filled with suffering and blessings. To be truly alive is to embrace them both.

Once again I'll share the video I made for Celeste. I hope it will make you smile - and cry.

Be alive. And thank God.

telling stories, telling lies, teaching truth

2009-07-09T19:10:00.005-04:00

Today, Fr. Ken looked me straight in the eye and asked me a shocking question.

He followed it with a shocking personal revelation.

He was smiling, and his blue eyes twinkled, but I still panicked a little, unsettled. I wiped my sweaty palms on my pants and took a breath.

Was he serious? What should I say? How to answer such a question?

I had a feeling my answer was important, but I wasn't quite sure why. Was he testing me? Seeing where I stood? Wondering if they had made the right choice when they hired me?

I took a breath and dove in.

"Yes," I answered.

"I have thought about becoming a saint."

Fr. Ken really asked me this today, and, quite frankly, I believe he wanted me to answer. He might have been surprised to discover that I have given it some thought, but I don't think so. I have the feeling he already knew the answer. He was just trying to get ME to discover it.

What led to such a profound conversation? The current project we're working on in my office involves writing copy for our website. And where there's writing, there are words. And where there are words, there's amazing, unbelieveable, awe-inspiring....power.

Power.

Yep, that's what I said. Power. And with power comes responsiblity. And challenge. And most importantly, with words come

Stories.

What Fr. Ken was trying to illicit from me was not just a confused "Huh?"
Rather, he wanted a story - more exactly, he wanted MY story. He wanted to know why I wanted to be a saint. He wanted to know who had influenced me, why I had chosen my path in life. He was hoping to inspire the writing I would do for the website.

He wanted me to function in the most profound capacity for which I had been hired.

He wanted me to be a storyteller.

Once I grasped this, he hit me with the personal revelation about the life of priests that is sure to shock.

Did you know, my dear friends, that sermons are not always true?

According to Fr. Ken, priests sometimes do a bit of er, embellishing when it comes to their sermons. Have you ever noticed they tell charming little stories to hook you, to get the Gospel to come alive?

Sometimes they make them up.

Sometimes they tell stories about other folks and pretend they are about themselves.

But despite this creativity, these stories are still true, in the very best sense. As Father revealed to me, we can't ignore the facts: sermons are always true, and sometimes they really happened.

I thought about our conversation on the way home from work. I thought about it a great deal, especially when that guy cut me off on the freeway and I almost drove off the road.

Have you ever thought about becoming a saint?

Yeah, buddy, I'm thinking about it real hard right now. I could've been killed! What if I were? What kind of life am I leading? Am I becoming a saint?

I thought about it again at my doctor's appointment, particularly when the nurse informed me my blood pressure was sky high.

That's a dangerous number! I could have a stroke! This could be it for me. Am I ready? Have I really thought about becoming a saint?

I thought too about storytelling, and about the task that had been set before me. Designing website copy is all in a day's work, right? No big deal. Get some words out there, and there ya go.

At the risk of sounding like the biggest butt kisser in the history of the world, I must say that my employers deserve more than your average website, and I intend to give it to them. I didn't take this job just for the paycheck and the status and the pink desk - I took it because I believe God has placed me here for a reason.

Boy, that sounds awful. I don't like to use spiritual lingo to make me sound well, spiritual. But in this case I'm going to go wild and be honest.

The week before I was hired, I prayed. I didn't pray to get this job, although I really wanted it. I prayed that they would hire the person that would do the best for them, the person who would tell their stories with clarity. And perhaps, with power. And even truth.

So now I am that person. I'm not weighed down by the responsiblity. Rather, I feel lifted up by it. I'm going to be the storyteller they deserve.

And I might even be truthful.

As for this post,it may be not be entirely factual. Perhaps there has been some embellishment. But in my book, blog posts fall in the same category as sermons.

They are always true.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl with blonde pigtails and brown eyes. And she wanted to become a saint...

Thanks, Fr. Ken, for reminding me to write the story.

And perhaps even tell the truth.

what in the world I'm doing

2009-07-08T10:23:00.002-04:00

Well, I'm certainly not writing here, that's for sure!

Instead I am doing "real" work for the PIME Missionaries - including - gasp - writing a blog!

You can check it out here.

enough already

2009-06-20T18:47:00.004-04:00

Let's just get this over with, shall we?

I feel like I've been away so long that I don't know how to come back. It's like going back to the gym - and I like going to the gym - I just don't like going BACK to the gym. It feels like every one is looking at me, wondering where I've been. I can just imagine what they're thinking: she's gained some weight. I bet she's been noshing on chocolate cake every day during the hours she used to work out with us. Who does she think she is? She's not one of us anymore.

It' silly, because after 30 minutes on the eliptical (OK, 15, it's been awhile, right?) I feel like I'm right where I belong. No one cares that I've been away for awhile. They're truly glad I'm back. And so am I.

Same goes for the old blogity blog. I feel shy whenever I've been away for awhile. I think all of my followers are ticked at me. I don't think I'm a real blogger anymore. I'm hoping you'll graciously welcome me back, and not wonder whom I've been cheating with while I've been gone.

Nothing can take the place of my blog, and the kind of writing I'm free to do here. But I'm happy to report I have been doing something good in my time away.

The new job suits me nicely, I think. The hours are wonderful (8 am to 3:30 pm) and while I'm there I'm able to combine my two loves: my writing and my faith. I don't like to over-spiritualize things, but I'm convinced God placed me there for a reason.

For, I don't know, years, I suppose, I've been asking Him to give me an opportunity to use my "gifts" in a larger way. I used to get so frustrated, wondering why God would give me a love for writing, and some talent in it, and not want me to use it.

The whole concept of "in God's time" is being played out right before my eyes. I believe I'm right where I need to be, and that He has put me here, today, because that's where He can use me.

Last summer, I was so disappointed when an opportunity I thought was just perfect for me was pulled out of my reach. I found out last week that that whole thing fell apart - I thought I was missing an opportunity of a lifetime, and it turns out it was no such thing.

It's easy to tell each other to trust Him, isnt' it? When we're not on the receiving end of that advice, it all seems so clear. But the truth is it's a bear to hang in there when we're seeing nothing. It's exhausting to keep trusting when we see nothing in the way of "results."

I was starting to wonder if He heard me at all. And now I'm just in awe of how He put it all together for me. Yes, for me, His girl, the one He always looks out for.

If you're waiting for Him, please be patient. He will never, ever forget you. He's got something planned for you that is just right.

Trust me.

Better yet, trust Him.

I'm a Catholic New Media Awards Nominee!

2009-06-07T15:44:00.009-04:00

I'm pleased as punch (you don't hear that often enough, do you?) to report that "the field" has been nominated for several Catholic New Media awards!

You can cast a vote by visiting their site (simply click here, spend about a minute signing in, and vote away!)

The field of blue children has been nominated for the following:

Best Blog by a Woman
Best Written Blog
Funniest Blog
Most Entertaining Blog
Most Spiritual Blog
People's Choice Blog
Blog Nominated for the Most Categories by her Husband and/or Children

Just kidding about that last one. :) I'm honored to be nominated. (Thanks, family.)

What are you waiting for? Get over to Catholic New Media and vote for your faves!

a new path

2009-05-31T20:39:00.004-04:00

I have neglected you so!

As I've said so many times, during busy periods in my life, I don't write here as I'd like to.

I have so many things to share! As I write this my seven-year-old, who should be in bed, is standing over my shoulder, asking for ice cream.

Tomorrow I start a new job! I've been hired to serve as the editor of PIME World Magazine. PIME Missionaries, based here in Detroit, serve the poor all over this world of ours. They bring them provisions, companionship, and hope. And they preach the Gospel, in word and deed.

I'm so honored and humbled to be joining them.

I'll share more about my journey to this job, and my adventures once I get there. For now I'll beg for your prayers as I follow where God has lead me!

San Antonio, anyone?

2009-05-18T19:04:00.001-04:00

I'm thinking about attending the Catholic New Media Conference in San Antonio.

Are you going?

7 quick takes

2009-05-15T09:05:00.008-04:00

Jen rules for plenty of reasons. One of my favorite things about her? She hosts 7 Quick Takes Friday. That's an opportunity for slackers like me to get a post out with seven recent highlights from the week. Here are my picks for today:

My granddaughter Grace is now three weeks old. Of course, I am totally objective about this: she is the most beautiful girl ever.

My son Joey did something radical this week. He shaved his head. Has he gone all emo? Is he joining a band or a gang of hooligans? Naw, he did it for a much nobler reason - to support his friend Chris, who has cancer. A bunch of other guys from his youth group went bald as well. In my opinion, they rock. It's still a little hard to look at Joey, though. He had more hair when he was born.

I had an exciting event myself this week. I went to a job interview for a "real" full-time job. It went well and I've managed to get a call back for a second one. I'm so nervous and excited. The possibility of getting the job is just as scary as the thought that I might not. This one is entirely in God's hands.

Sophie has finally figured out that the backyard is the best place to "do her business." I can't really overstate the importance of this achievement!

Our community theater production of Cabaret was nominated for ten PAGE Awards! These awards are the local equivalent of the Emmy's for us. I didn't get one for my work on costumes. Oh well. It's hard to compete with big budget period shows. I did my best, and that counts for something, right?

Life doesn't usually get easier as we age, does it? My parents need your prayers. Mom has been diagnosed with breast cancer, and she needs surgery. She just found out she is losing her part time job, as well. Dad is consumed with the reality that he just can't garden like he used to. (He' "only" 88, and he should be able to get out there and hoe, right?) He's also worried about Mom, who he loves like crazy while driving her crazy. I'm trying to be a good daughter, but ya know what? That ain't easy either.

Tonight my parish festival begins. Imagine this: you are seven years old, and two blocks from your home a ferris wheel towers above the neighborhood. Elephant ears covered with cinnamon sugar, foot long coney dogs, and snow cones are calling your name. All your friends are there. Are you excited? Are you kidding? You are jumping out of your skin! My boys can't wait to get there tonight!

What's going on in your world this week? Join the party at Conversion Diary.

becoming "Grandmom"

2009-05-12T17:57:00.003-04:00

I'm having a bit of an identity crisis.

For over 22 years, I've been "Mom." I'm cool with that. I've kinda got this gig figured out.

But now, I'm someone new. I'm a grandmother. You know her, she's the old lady in the rocking chair, the one who only gets up to bake chocolate chip cookies.

Just kidding. I know that today's grandmothers are much hipper than that. When my own mom became a grandmother, at the age of 57, she had a full time professional job. She wore stylish clothes and earrings to work every day. She had two college graduates for children. She only baked cookies at Christmas.

As for me, the new grandmother?

I'm just not sure how to roll here.

How do you describe a grandmother like me? I'm not quite 57 (only 44, in fact.) And I don't bake cookies. Ever.

I've got two college grad children. But I've still got children at home, including two boys under the age of 10.

I've coined a name to describe my condition: I'm a "grandmom." I'm a grandma, yes, but I'm still totally in "Mom" mode.

I haven't mentioned that I'm got a few other roles as well. My husband might say he thinks I've forgotten him, but I am a wife, too. And I'm also a busy daughter to elderly parents.

I want to claim the maturity and wisdom that goes with the grandmother moniker, but I'm not quite ready to let go of being the young mom that I feel like. And when I spend time with my folks, well, then I feel like I'm 12 again.

So I'm in one of those "transition periods." I know where I've been, but I'm not quite sure where I'm going.

The good news is, I won't be lonely on the trip there. I've got plenty of companions on my journey. I just hope someone has remembered the diaper bag and has packed lots of snacks.

Any other "grandmoms" out there? How have you kept it all in balance?

do you like me? do you REALLY like me?

2009-05-04T12:36:00.002-04:00

It's time to show your love for your favorites in the Catholic media!

Nominations for The Catholic New Media Awards (formerly the Catholic Blog Awards) open today. You must log in to nominate (it only takes a moment, and don't worry, they won't send you spam.)

Just click here for more info!

Here are this year's categories:

Blogs

People's Choice Blog
Best Blog by a Cleric
Best Blog by a Religious
Best Blog by a Man
Best Blog by a Woman
Best Group Blog
Best Written Blog
Most Spiritual Blog
Most Informative Blog
Funniest Blog
Most Entertaining Blog
Best New Blog

Podcasts

People's Choice Podcast
Best Podcast by a Cleric
Best Podcast by a Religious
Best Podcast by a Man
Best Podcast by a Woman
Best Group Podcast
Most Informative Podcast
Best Produced Podcast
Most Spiritual Podcast
Best New Podcast
Funniest Podcast
Most Entertaining Podcast
Best Video Podcast

Web 2.0

Best Catholic News Website
Best Social Networking Site
Best Overall Catholic Website

shepherd me, O God

2009-05-03T12:23:00.003-04:00

I don't know much about shepherds.

I've always thought of them as loving caretakers who stayed on watch for wolves and such. Loving and patient heroes, I've pictured them gently herding their flocks, guiding them to safety, caring for their every need.

Recently I heard something about the shepherds of Jesus' day (and perhaps today, as well) that I found shocking and intriguing.

Sometimes little lambs are naughty. Instead of staying near the shepherd's side, where they would be safe, they wander off. They get caught up in brambles. Even devoured by nasty beasts if they aren't careful.

So what do the shepherds to to keep the fluffy little rascals safe?

They break their legs.

Then, while they heal, they carry them. When the lamb's wounds have healed, and only then, the shepherd allows the little one more freedom.

And those lambs? The ones who have been broken by their masters? The ones who were carried until they can walk again?

They do not stray again. Instead, they remain near the shepherd's side.

Something to think about on this Feast of The Good Shepherd.

Shepherd me O God, beyond my wants, beyond my fears, from death into life.

This image of the Good Shepherd was drawn by Seattle artist Tracy Christianson, who drew the portrait of my daughter in Jesus' arms.

she's here!

2009-04-24T10:16:00.001-04:00

Grace Philomena arrived at 4:33 pm after over four hours of pushing! She was 7lb 8oz and 19 inches long.

We're in love.

baby day?!?

2009-04-23T06:20:00.003-04:00

This could be the day!

Rachel is at the hospital! For those of you who want the "gory" details (and of course I know you do) she is 3cm and 80% effaced - they are keeping her in triage for an hour or so to see how she progresses.

I don't think I've ever been so excited!

Lauren and I are getting ready to head over to the hospital. Along with Rachel's husband, we are the lucky support people who get to witness the birth. I've done this seven times myself - but I've never watched someone else give birth. This is so awe-inspiring.

And it's my girl, my girl who was born just an instant ago! Could it really have been almost 23 years ago???

Thanks for your prayers. I'll keep you posted!

Don't you love this picture? Not like that anymore, is it?

one more soul

2009-04-20T14:13:00.004-04:00

Have you ever wondered what your life would be like if you had had one more child?

My first grandchild, my granddaughter Grace, will be here within the next few weeks. By summer's end, my grandson will be here as well. I know that they will enrich our lives beyond belief. I will cherish them as my own babies. But they won't be my babies, they will be my grandchildren, and that is not quite the same, is it?

My daughter Celeste, who died when she was four months old, would have been four now. My youngest at home just turned seven. This is the longest I've gone with empty arms, an empty womb.

When Celeste was in the hospital, I remember telling my husband that I wanted to have another baby, whatever happened to our baby girl. I wanted to "normalize" the experience of having a baby again. I was so traumatized by what we went through with her that I was certain the only healing I'd come to would come with the arrival of another - healthy - child.

After she died, I needed time to recover. And soon the months and years flew by, and I was suddenly who I am now - an "old" woman of 44, a grandma-to-be, a mother of "only" seven children, with six here who still need her, one in heaven praying for her.

Should I have had another baby? Have I been too selfish, too concerned with money, or time, or health, or freedom?

Did I deny my husband, my children, the world, another person who should've been here?

My grandbaby will be here soon, and I can't stop thinking that I'm not sure how this works. I've been a mother - just a mother, only a mother, always a mother - for 23 years. I know what it is to hold a newborn in my arms and love it completely, because it is my baby. I'm so anxious to meet my grandchildren, but I think perhaps I am mourning the end of an era.

And I'm haunted by the thought.

Should I have had another baby?

Have you ever wondered the same?